4 Aug 2018 – Journal:

Today I am feeling somber. I feel like I’ve focused on the wrong things for the wrong reasons. I’ve spent my time these last few months obsessing over a woman. A woman I hold very deeply in my heart. It’s fine to admire someone and make them feel special. It is ok to give them your love. It is not ok for you to let them completely consume you nor is it ok for you to want them to consume themselves with thoughts of only you. There has to be a boundary both have to accept. It has to be drawn earlier than later. It has to be well defined and both have to be the keepers of the other’s gate as well. You (we) should hold each other completely accountable for everything we say and do. Yes, things will change over time. We have to be adaptive and open to this change and be in sync with it as well. If we ask the other to be a certain way and they agree, we have to be willing to also accept and recognize (or both) when we try to act in a way that we said wasn’t acceptable. Or even better still, not put any demands on the other person and just be completely accepting of them, in the hope that they are, or will choose to be, as accepting with us.

I have not set out to write an opus on relationships. I really want to just take a moment to be very thankful again for everything life has given me. To be thankful first, for my birth, which has given me life and purpose. I was brought into this world for a reason. I’m here with a specific purpose and goal. A goal of being the absolute best man I can be. Thanks for my parents in their capacity to raise me the only way they knew how. For keeping me safe and taking care of my basic needs. For trying to impart to me wisdom and love.

For my brother and sister who have stayed by my side. Who have both witnessed some of my best and worst days and are still there after all of it. For them thinking about me and being concerned when I was not sometimes thinking even for myself. For being there in the times I needed them the most, in some of my darkest hours as well as some of my brightest. For really putting thought into the gifts they have given me over the years, both physically and metaphorically.

For the blessing of my two children being born. My ability to try and pass on a blessing to both of them. The same blessing I was afforded. For them being very patient with me as I try to figure myself out. For not leaving me even though I have, in a sense, left them…even if only temporarily. They stuck with me and continue to do so. They are literally my life blood and the two most important people in my life, and I have at some point, taken their presence for granted. The blessings I have that they were both born healthy and have been afforded all of the foundations necessary to live a long and fruitful life, if they so choose.

For all of the men who have passed through my life, some as friends, some as enemies, some as father figures and mentors. Those who have touched my life and left an imprint upon me. No matter the duration, they have all come and shown me something I otherwise would not have recognized on my own.

For all of the women I have been blessed to know over the years. From my earliest encounters with my mom, my first kiss on the bus at a very early age..tonya, my marriage and subsequent divorce with Vanessa, my time spent with Chiara and how she opened my eyes to what true love feels like, and many others in the past… girlfriends, friends and well as those I have yet to meet. They have all, in their own special way, shown me a completely different perspective of this life I live. They have brought to me the spectrum of emotions and allowed me to interact with some of my deepest inner feelings. They opened me up to the parts of myself I so often shut down. They showed me courage and faith.

Just some of many blessings I want to be sure and put down on paper, to thank the powers beyond me, for my rather well lived life. Salute! and to many more blessings to come. I am blessed and honored to be here.